to infinite…

…because my neck is ka-hilling me, and not even vicodin gets rid of the pain.

I assume I’d be dead by now…

Because sometimes, you come to a point in your life where you realize, “This person has NEVER treated me the way I deserve, and I have always been the bigger person in an attempt to make everything okay.  Maybe even make him realize that he SHOULD treat me better.”

And then 4 months after he told you, “I still believe that if we’re meant to be together it will happen” and even tried to come over late one night, but you told him NO… you find out on facebook that he got engaged to the crazy bitch he seemingly wasn’t very happy with.

You realize your tired, 28 year-old body can’t drink until you don’t feel feelings anymore because the next day, you feel EVERYTHING.

You realize you can’t talk to him anymore because—even though you fought tooth and nail for what you thought you wanted in life—that fight is over.  And he didn’t even have the decency to tell you himself.

But it still eats at you—the need to be the bigger person and reach out to say “Congratulations on your engagement. Have a happy and healthy life.”  Because as much as you want to hate him, deep down you know that the love is still there and you don’t really want him to be miserable.

So many things eat at you—sadness, confusion, anger. 

And you know what?  FUCK HIM.  He doesn’t deserve well-wishes.  And the aggregate of all he put me through over the last 6 years has made me the bigger person.

I’ll destroy things left and right, and people will implore “but you loved once.  I know you’re good and kind.”  And I’ll reply, “she’s dead now.”

But today, there was a thunderstorm and I ran down the street in the rain…

And I never felt more alive.